Tuesday, January 13, 2009
Depression
It has been a real depressing week for everyone in the family.
Yesterday, my grandma's condition took a dive for the worse and suffered from brain hemorrhage on her left brain lobe. The right side of the body was swollen and in a way, damaged and immobilized now. Despite her critical condition, she appeared to be more alert and tried to talk to us. She told us that she wants to go to market, she wants her coffee tea break.. and even told us that "my grandpa is coming to take her away"... It was totally heartbreaking. At some point, seeing her laying so frail in bed... was simply unbearable and the best i could do now is to not let her see me upset. I just hid at one corner and sobbed. Perhaps, she could still sense that I was crying (while trying my best to force out a smile) and she too will start tearing.
I just wish to hug her for awhile more, kiss her for awhile more, talk to her for a while more and she stays for awhile more... i feel so ashamed of myself. Why didnt I spend more time with her when she's well and happy?
And today, we had a meeting with the doctor to discuss about my grandma's condition. Even the doctor wasnt optimistic about her condition and told us that my grandma's brain was swelling, although the hemorrhage was contained. It was a horrible feeling that we, as her children and grandchildren, has to bear. We opted against surgery since we dont want her to undergo the painful procedure. It was traumatising for her and for us as well. So we decided to let nature takes its course and our simple wish is to let her go without pain, without sufferings.
It was such a major blow for me... that i didnt know how to take it, how to accept it, how to face it...
Yesterday, my grandma's condition took a dive for the worse and suffered from brain hemorrhage on her left brain lobe. The right side of the body was swollen and in a way, damaged and immobilized now. Despite her critical condition, she appeared to be more alert and tried to talk to us. She told us that she wants to go to market, she wants her coffee tea break.. and even told us that "my grandpa is coming to take her away"... It was totally heartbreaking. At some point, seeing her laying so frail in bed... was simply unbearable and the best i could do now is to not let her see me upset. I just hid at one corner and sobbed. Perhaps, she could still sense that I was crying (while trying my best to force out a smile) and she too will start tearing.
I just wish to hug her for awhile more, kiss her for awhile more, talk to her for a while more and she stays for awhile more... i feel so ashamed of myself. Why didnt I spend more time with her when she's well and happy?
And today, we had a meeting with the doctor to discuss about my grandma's condition. Even the doctor wasnt optimistic about her condition and told us that my grandma's brain was swelling, although the hemorrhage was contained. It was a horrible feeling that we, as her children and grandchildren, has to bear. We opted against surgery since we dont want her to undergo the painful procedure. It was traumatising for her and for us as well. So we decided to let nature takes its course and our simple wish is to let her go without pain, without sufferings.
It was such a major blow for me... that i didnt know how to take it, how to accept it, how to face it...
Labels: Sad
